How to Act in a Cafeteria
Today’s movie script, fresh off the cookie sheet that bakes movie scripts, is an educational film called How to Act in a Cafeteria. You can enjoy this script either through PDF form, or just by continuing to read on for the plain old web page version.
The choice is yours. Choose wisely, for your decision may alter the course of history, much as the improper cafeteria behavior in this screenplay does.
INT. CAFETERIA
It's a cafeteria. People in suits are getting their lunches.
NEVERBOB walks in and stands in line at the buffet. Suddenly
he spots NEVERKATE over by the salad bar.
NEVERBOB
Neverkate!
Neverkate looks around, confused at first, but then she spots
Neverbob.
NEVERKATE
Neverbob!
Neverkate and Neverbob teleport their bodies over to a point
halfway between Neverbob's buffet line and Neverkate's salad
bar line. They each extend their hands in a ritual greeting
to each other, and then stare into each others' eyes for one
or two hours.
NEVERBOB
Did you get that thing I sent you
last week?
NEVERKATE
The one with the ancient Latin
engravings on the front?
NEVERBOB
No, the one that was suspended in a
jellied gefilte fish broth.
NEVERKATE
Oh yeah, that one. I enjoyed that
one quite a bit.
NEVERBOB
Great! I'm glad you liked it. I
had it imported all the way from
Pittsburgh in an alabaster handcar.
NEVERKATE
It was well worth any expense that
you might have expended.
NEVERBOB
Great! Glad to hear it.
With their societal pleasantries out of the way, Neverkate
and Neverbob proceed to rummage through each others' food
trays, searching for illicit substances or stray duck eggs.
Neither finds anything improper, of course.
NEVERBOB (CONT'D)
Your food is acceptable to me.
NEVERKATE
As is yours, to me.
NEVERBOB
Let us lighten our shoes by seating
ourselves upon a chair
(pointing towards a
distant planet)
Maybe a chair over there somewhere.
NEVERKATE
Unfortunately, I do not have the
time to consume these food items.
I merely came here to participate
in the ritual of cafeteria line
standing. Please excuse my
inexcusable rudeness.
Neverbob kneals down on the ground, embarrased beyond belief
at his immense faux paus.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. SPEEDBOAT - DAY
NEVERBOB is racing along the clear, blue water on a
speedboat. He appears to not have a care in the world. He
looks 20 years younger than he did under the harsh
fluorescent lights at work.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA
Still knealing on the ground, with his vision of speedboat
happiness still churning around in his brain, Neverbob
condenses his body to the size of a pea. Not only the size,
but also the shape and color. To an uneducated observer,
Neverbob might have actually turned into a pea.
NEVERBOB
(in pea form)
I hope you can find a portion of
your heart device that can forgive
my verbal trespass. I offer myself
up to be eaten by you for lunch as
penance.
NEVERKATE
Thank you for your hospitality. I
will not eat your pea self at this
juncture. I have a camel upstairs
whose humps are filled with
chocolate, and those will provide
sustenance to me during my long
journey through the paperwork of
the soul.
Neverbob, thrilled to hear this, turns back into the size and
shape of a normally shaped and sized Neverbob.
NEVERBOB
Please exhume my humiliation from
my heart, and weld it to the disco
ball in the sky, where it will
refract light for centuries to
come.
NEVERKATE
I can do this for you.
Neverkate proceeds to extract Neverbob's humiliation from his
heart, and welds it to the disco ball in the sky. The light
refracted through the newly humiliated disco ball is
beautiful and inspiring.
NEVERBOB
I love you, Neverkate.
NEVERKATE
Don't make me turn you into a
cloud.
The sun breaks through the walls of the cafeteria, just so
that it can set over the happy couple.
FADE TO BLACK.