Trigonometry McCain and the Potatoes of Doom
We have a new short film movie script up for you all to enjoy. This screenplay is for Trigonometry McCain and the Potatoes of Doom, which might sound like a fast-paced high concept action adventure masterpiece, but is really a subtle and poignant observation on politics, potatoes, and Prussia.
You can either read it in HTML below, or download the PDF version of the script. The choice is yours and yours alone.
EXT. GRAND CANYON - DAY
As the sun rises over the Grand Canyon, JOHN MCCAIN waddles
up to the rim and gazes deep into its soul.
JOHN MCCAIN
(to no one in particular)
Now that's what I call a canyon!
As he stares down into it, TRIG PALIN floats up next to him,
but seems much more interested in McCain than in the
spectacular, sunrisey view in front of him. After McCain
ignores him for several minutes, Trig finally has to speak.
TRIG PALIN
Hey man, have you seen the
clockwork potatoes that are growing
down there?
JOHN MCCAIN
I have not, my dear Trigonometry
Palin. Can you tell me more about
these clockwork potatoes?
TRIG PALIN
No way, you'll just get your old
person scent all over them and
they'll never let us make clockwork
french fries out of them after
that.
JOHN MCCAIN
This is true, my old person scent
does seem to seep into everything I
go near.
TRIG PALIN
Damn straight.
A closer look at McCain's FINGERNAILS show that they're
dripping with a nauseating mixture of sweat and old person
juice.
Then, out of nowhere -- a CRACK of THUNDER and an electrical
SIZZLE permeates the air. JOE BIDEN has appeared.
JOE BIDEN
Did someone call for potato curing?
JOHN MCCAIN
Not I, kind sir. My fingers may
drip with my old person essence,
but those potatoes had it coming.
Why, back in Vietnam, I fought
potatoes three times their size!
They think they can beat me, but
they don't know who they're talking
to. They probably think they're
talking to Dan Quayle! Well, let
me tell you something... I'm no
Dan Quayle!
JOE BIDEN
I can believe that.
TRIG PALIN
You know, I wouldn't mind if you
cured one of those potatoes for me.
JOHN MCCAIN
No! Blasphemer! Ye shall be cast
out into the fiery pits of the
Grand Canyon for daring to summon
the potato powers of Joe Biden! It
cannot be!
John McCain raises his arms to the sky and casts Trig Palin
into another dimension, using only the power of his mind.
Trig disappears in a blinding FLASH of purple light.
JOHN MCCAIN (CONT'D)
Thank Jesus Christ our Lord and
Ghost that he's gone.
Biden's eyes grow as large as guitars at Trig's unexpected
transdimensional voyage. He's suddenly not so sure what to
make of McCain; is he a mere crazy kook, or is he an all
powerful wizard from the future?
JOE BIDEN
I'll just go somewhere else now and
pretend that you're not a wizard.
JOHN MCCAIN
That, my ancient acquaintance, is
an excellent idea.
Biden summons another bolt of lightning to carry him home to
the clouds, leaving McCain alone to continue gazing into the
depths of the Grand Canyon and wonder if he should get new
dentures before the Barack Obama debates or not.
JOE BIDEN (V.O.)
And that was the last we ever saw
of Trigonometry Palin.
His cousins, Calculus and
Basketweaving, always spoke of him
with reverence and potatoes. John
McCain, on the other hand, denies
all knowledge that he ever existed.
Tags: Grand Canyon, Joe Biden, John McCain, Movie Scripts, politics, potatoes, Trig Palin