Your new ceramic logo? Sure, it’s tough and likely to withstand endless years of abuse at the hands of meddlesome, dirty children. But is it trendy enough to win over the hardened hearts of soulless graphic design students? Is it cutting edge enough to get John Nack’s attention? Will its story become a featured article on Wikipedia, offering up wisdom and insight for years to come?

These are hard questions that you ask, and in return all I can do is ask you questions of my own. Based on your answers, I can in turn answer your questions. Does that make sense? Is that too roundabout to be helpful to you? If it’s not too roundabout, is it too close to the edge, down by the river? Does it all own your lonely heart?

Sorry, those weren’t the questions, that was just a brief diversion into prog rock while I mentally prepared the questions that really matter for your logo that you want me to critique. And now, with just a slight amount of ado, the questions that matter:

• Does even the briefest glimpse of your logo dazzle and dizzy the viewer, the way that viewing sunlight through a crystal clear diamond would?
• Can your logo cure influenza?
• What happens when your ceramic logo is coated with flaxseed?
• Has your logo ever caused an earthquake or tsunami?
• Did viewing your logo cause Alan Colmes to quit all of his jobs and retire to the barren wasteland of Alaska, knowing that he would never be able to set his eyes on a logo of such incredible power and beauty for the rest of his life, leaving it meaningless and without purpose, and a secluded existence far from civilization and inferior logos was the only natural solution?
• Can your logo sanitize minor to moderate flesh wounds, such as those caused by gunshots or cuts from a jagged meringue saw?
• Does your logo resemble a human spleen under certain lighting conditions?
• Does Will Ferrell eat a reproduction of your logo for breakfast every morning?
• Does your logo have a mild scent of vinegar and cinnamon?

If you would please leave your answers to these questions, I will reach my decision. The finest ceramic logos that are most worthy of serving as Will Ferrell’s breakfast will each receive a certificate of authenticity that guarantees that they will increase in value. This certificate has no cash value and cannot be used for any debts, public or private. On the plus side, the certificate is entirely virtual, and therefore doesn’t use up paper that could be better used to print the latest Oprah-worthy book.

Well done, all future ceramic logo winners! I salute you with my arms stiff and outstretched, and my cottage cheese lumpy and coated with sugar!

Tags: Alan Colmes, cottage cheese, graphic design, John Nack, logos, Wikipedia, Will Ferrell

This entry was posted on Monday, January 12th, 2009 at 11:54 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.