Dark Soup’s Day Off
Today is one of those rare days when I get to stay at home. I believe I will call it a “day off.” Dark Soup’s Day Off. It’s the kind of event that could be made into a big-budget Hollywood feature film starring Matthew Broderick as Dark Soup and Neil Patrick Harris as his sidekick. But until then, all I can do is spend my day off the way I always hope to.
The most important part of a day off is to regularly rinse racks of wrinkled Republicans. This should be done throughout the day. Those wrinkled faces won’t rinse themselves, and they just seem to pick up dirt, dust, and more wrinkles throughout the day, no matter how recently they’ve been rinsed. I don’t completely understand it, but then I’m not exactly an expert in Republican physics. That’s Neil Patrick Harris’s job. Go Doogie! Be a Repubsics expert!
The second most important part of a day off is to play the lottery over and over and over. And maybe a few more times for good measure. Neil Patrick Harris convinced me — with the help of endless graphs and the mystical equations that he had tattooed on his back — that winning the lottery is pretty much a sure thing as long as you play often enough. He recommended playing 15-20 lottery drawings a day, and according to his back tattoos that should be enough to guarantee me a 98% chance of winning the lottery within the next 3 months. Go Doogie! Be the Powerball destroyer!
Some people ask me why I’d want to win the lottery. In case you are one of those people, just pretend that I’ve shown you the shiniest spoon you’ve ever seen (because that’s the way I react in real life when people ask me that question.) My shiny spoon will silence your sneaking suspicions and slam shut the shutters of your stupidness (or so says Sonia Sotomayor.) And once your stupidness shutters have been shut, your intelligence is free to soar through the air just like Matthew Broderick in Wargames, the scariest documentary of the 1960′s.
And that about sums up my days off. Rinsing Republicans and playing the lottery. I know other people like to visit Venus or the United Nations, but I’ve never understood the point of that. You can do that on your lunch break at work, so why waste a day off doing those things? Silly rabbits, Venus is for kids, not rabbits. Stay away. You can’t even fit in a spacesuit, since you’re a rabbit! Here, look at this spoon, it’ll cure you.
Tags: lottery, Matthe Broderick, Neil Patrick Harris, Powerball, rabbits, Republicans, Sonia Sotomayor, Venus, Wargames