You can read the complete shooting draft of the screenplay below, or you can down the PDF script of Porcupines are Deadly, 100% free of charge and guaranteed to work in all weather environments — tropical storms, hurricanes, volcanoes, and earthquakes excepted.

                                             PORCUPINES ARE DEADLY

               EXT. PARK - DAY

               A whole bunch of people are standing around on the top of a
               grassy hill in their local park.  All of a sudden, with no
               warning whatsoever, one of them speaks.

                                   BLUEMAN
                         I like porcupines.

                                   REDMAN
                         That's stupid, porcupines will stab
                         you with their spines.

                                   ORANGEMAN
                         How would they stab you with their
                         spines, do they peel the skin off
                         of their backs, sharpen one of
                         their vertebrae, and then stab you
                         with that?

                                   REDMAN
                         Shut up, now I hate you even more
                         than I hate porcupines.

                                   BLUEMAN
                         I still like porcupines, I don't
                         care what kinds of crazy things
                         they do with their spines.

                                   REDMAN
                         You should care, porcupines are the
                         silent killers of the sea.

                                   ORANGEMAN
                         I don't think porcupines can even
                         swim.

                                   REDMAN
                         Shut up, now I hate you even more
                         than Orangeman, who I just recently
                         started hating even more than
                         porcupines.

                                   ORANGEMAN
                         I am Orangeman.  Orangeman and I
                         are one and the same.

                                   REDMAN
                         Shut up.

               For several seconds nobody says anything.  High up in the
               sky, a porcupine-shaped cloud slowly drifts over their heads.

                                   BLUEMAN
                         I like raspberries.

                                   ORANGEMAN
                         Don't you start with your raspberry
                         foolishness!

               Blueman has no choice but to walk away, rejected, dejected,
               and projected, but at least he wasn't ejected from the park
               against his will.

               INT. BLUEMAN'S LIVING ROOM

               Blueman walks through the door, still looking dejected after
               his harsh thrashing at the hands of the other mens' hands.
               His pet gerbil was waiting for him on the living room couch,
               and is excited beyond belief now that he's home.

                                   BLUEMAN'S GERBIL
                         Yay!  Home you now!  Ok food!

                                   BLUEMAN
                         Aren't you a cute little porcupine,
                         with your words and your
                         hungriness.  You'd never stab me
                         with your spine, would you?

                                   BLUEMAN'S GERBIL
                             (stunned)
                         What--  How--  Who told you?

               The gerbil, unsure how Blueman came to discover his secret
               spinal plans, has no choice but to bolt out of the room.
               Seconds later the back door slams and car wheels screech in
               the driveway.

                                   BLUEMAN
                             (to no one in particular)
                         Oh.  Well, so much for my character
                         judgement.  I thought he was a
                         harmless little porcupine, but all
                         this time he was planning to murder
                         me in my sleep with his spine.  I
                         guess it's true what they say...

               Orangeman and Redman poke their heads in through the window,
               and say, simulatenously:

                                   ORANGEMAN
                         Life is like a box of wine: you
                         never know if you're supposed to
                         drink it or put styrofoam in it!

                                   REDMAN
                         Life is like a box of wine: you
                         never know if you're supposed to
                         drink it or put styrofoam in it!

               INT. GERBIL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

               Hundreds of gerbils, plotting.  Maps of attack along the
               walls.  Endless rows of computer screens crunching data.  X
               rays of their spines to assess their vertebra-sharpening
               progress.  They work silently, deadly and efficient.  One of
               them may have been compromised, but he was just a drop in the
               bucket of gerbils.  There are many more where he came from,
               all as evil and deadly as Blueman's.

               They will destroy us all.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

You can either read it in HTML below, or download the PDF version of the script. The choice is yours and yours alone.

               EXT. GRAND CANYON - DAY

               As the sun rises over the Grand Canyon, JOHN MCCAIN waddles
               up to the rim and gazes deep into its soul.

                                   JOHN MCCAIN
                             (to no one in particular)
                         Now that's what I call a canyon!

               As he stares down into it, TRIG PALIN floats up next to him,
               but seems much more interested in McCain than in the
               spectacular, sunrisey view in front of him.  After McCain
               ignores him for several minutes, Trig finally has to speak.

                                   TRIG PALIN
                         Hey man, have you seen the
                         clockwork potatoes that are growing
                         down there?

                                   JOHN MCCAIN
                         I have not, my dear Trigonometry
                         Palin.  Can you tell me more about
                         these clockwork potatoes?

                                   TRIG PALIN
                         No way, you'll just get your old
                         person scent all over them and
                         they'll never let us make clockwork
                         french fries out of them after
                         that.

                                   JOHN MCCAIN
                         This is true, my old person scent
                         does seem to seep into everything I
                         go near.

                                   TRIG PALIN
                         Damn straight.

               A closer look at McCain's FINGERNAILS show that they're
               dripping with a nauseating mixture of sweat and old person
               juice.

               Then, out of nowhere -- a CRACK of THUNDER and an electrical
               SIZZLE permeates the air.  JOE BIDEN has appeared.

                                   JOE BIDEN
                         Did someone call for potato curing?

                                   JOHN MCCAIN
                         Not I, kind sir.  My fingers may
                         drip with my old person essence,
                         but those potatoes had it coming.
                         Why, back in Vietnam, I fought
                         potatoes three times their size!
                         They think they can beat me, but
                         they don't know who they're talking
                         to.  They probably think they're
                         talking to Dan Quayle!  Well, let
                         me tell you something...  I'm no
                         Dan Quayle!

                                   JOE BIDEN
                         I can believe that.

                                   TRIG PALIN
                         You know, I wouldn't mind if you
                         cured one of those potatoes for me.

                                   JOHN MCCAIN
                         No!  Blasphemer!  Ye shall be cast
                         out into the fiery pits of the
                         Grand Canyon for daring to summon
                         the potato powers of Joe Biden!  It
                         cannot be!

               John McCain raises his arms to the sky and casts Trig Palin
               into another dimension, using only the power of his mind.
               Trig disappears in a blinding FLASH of purple light.

                                   JOHN MCCAIN (CONT'D)
                         Thank Jesus Christ our Lord and
                         Ghost that he's gone.

               Biden's eyes grow as large as guitars at Trig's unexpected
               transdimensional voyage.  He's suddenly not so sure what to
               make of McCain; is he a mere crazy kook, or is he an all
               powerful wizard from the future?

                                   JOE BIDEN
                         I'll just go somewhere else now and
                         pretend that you're not a wizard.

                                   JOHN MCCAIN
                         That, my ancient acquaintance, is
                         an excellent idea.

               Biden summons another bolt of lightning to carry him home to
               the clouds, leaving McCain alone to continue gazing into the
               depths of the Grand Canyon and wonder if he should get new
               dentures before the Barack Obama debates or not.

                                   JOE BIDEN (V.O.)
                         And that was the last we ever saw
                         of Trigonometry Palin.
                         His cousins, Calculus and
                         Basketweaving, always spoke of him
                         with reverence and potatoes.  John
                         McCain, on the other hand, denies
                         all knowledge that he ever existed.

The choice is yours. Choose wisely, for your decision may alter the course of history, much as the improper cafeteria behavior in this screenplay does.

               INT. CAFETERIA

               It's a cafeteria.  People in suits are getting their lunches.
               NEVERBOB walks in and stands in line at the buffet.  Suddenly
               he spots NEVERKATE over by the salad bar.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         Neverkate!

               Neverkate looks around, confused at first, but then she spots
               Neverbob.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         Neverbob!

               Neverkate and Neverbob teleport their bodies over to a point
               halfway between Neverbob's buffet line and Neverkate's salad
               bar line.  They each extend their hands in a ritual greeting
               to each other, and then stare into each others' eyes for one
               or two hours.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         Did you get that thing I sent you
                         last week?

                                   NEVERKATE
                         The one with the ancient Latin
                         engravings on the front?

                                   NEVERBOB
                         No, the one that was suspended in a
                         jellied gefilte fish broth.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         Oh yeah, that one.  I enjoyed that
                         one quite a bit.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         Great!  I'm glad you liked it.  I
                         had it imported all the way from
                         Pittsburgh in an alabaster handcar.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         It was well worth any expense that
                         you might have expended.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         Great!  Glad to hear it.

               With their societal pleasantries out of the way, Neverkate
               and Neverbob proceed to rummage through each others' food
               trays, searching for illicit substances or stray duck eggs.
               Neither finds anything improper, of course.

                                   NEVERBOB (CONT'D)
                         Your food is acceptable to me.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         As is yours, to me.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         Let us lighten our shoes by seating
                         ourselves upon a chair
                             (pointing towards a
                              distant planet)
                         Maybe a chair over there somewhere.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         Unfortunately, I do not have the
                         time to consume these food items.
                         I merely came here to participate
                         in the ritual of cafeteria line
                         standing.  Please excuse my
                         inexcusable rudeness.

               Neverbob kneals down on the ground, embarrased beyond belief
               at his immense faux paus.

                                                          SMASH CUT TO:

               EXT. SPEEDBOAT - DAY

               NEVERBOB is racing along the clear, blue water on a
               speedboat.  He appears to not have a care in the world.  He
               looks 20 years younger than he did under the harsh
               fluorescent lights at work.

                                                          SMASH CUT TO:

               INT. CAFETERIA

               Still knealing on the ground, with his vision of speedboat
               happiness still churning around in his brain, Neverbob
               condenses his body to the size of a pea.  Not only the size,
               but also the shape and color.  To an uneducated observer,
               Neverbob might have actually turned into a pea.

                                   NEVERBOB
                             (in pea form)
                         I hope you can find a portion of
                         your heart device that can forgive
                         my verbal trespass.  I offer myself
                         up to be eaten by you for lunch as
                         penance.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         Thank you for your hospitality.  I
                         will not eat your pea self at this
                         juncture.  I have a camel upstairs
                         whose humps are filled with
                         chocolate, and those will provide
                         sustenance to me during my long
                         journey through the paperwork of
                         the soul.

               Neverbob, thrilled to hear this, turns back into the size and
               shape of a normally shaped and sized Neverbob.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         Please exhume my humiliation from
                         my heart, and weld it to the disco
                         ball in the sky, where it will
                         refract light for centuries to
                         come.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         I can do this for you.

               Neverkate proceeds to extract Neverbob's humiliation from his
               heart, and welds it to the disco ball in the sky.  The light
               refracted through the newly humiliated disco ball is
               beautiful and inspiring.

                                   NEVERBOB
                         I love you, Neverkate.

                                   NEVERKATE
                         Don't make me turn you into a
                         cloud.

               The sun breaks through the walls of the cafeteria, just so
               that it can set over the happy couple.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

And now, without further junk from me, the movie script for Driving With Socks. (Or, read the Driving With Socks script as a PDF file.)

               INT. CAR - DAY

               We find ourselves in a car.  Not just any car, but a car from
               the late 1990's, complete with AM/FM cassette stereo system
               and airbags.  The airbags are not visible since the car has
               not crashed.  GANSK is driving, and TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
               is in the passenger's seat.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         Say, was that our exit that we just
                         passed?

                                   GANSK
                         Don't talk crazy talk with your
                         mouth, Terrycloth Hopplebottom.  If
                         that had been our exit, don't you
                         think I would have driven the car
                         onto the exit so that we could have
                         exited there?

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         Your points are valid and well
                         stated, Gansk.  Thank you for
                         educating me.

               We sit in silence for 20 minutes as the two of them continue
               driving along the highway.  After twenty minutes, the silence
               is once again broken.

                                   GANSK
                         You know, that might have been our
                         exit back there.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         The one we just passed?

                                   GANSK
                         No, the one from 25 miles down the
                         road behind us, when you pointed it
                         out.  That feels like it might have
                         been the exit that we were supposed
                         to take.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         I see.

               Gansk takes the next exit and gets back on the highway going
               the other direction.  After another 20 minutes of driving in
               silence, they find themselves back at the first exit that
               Terrycloth had mentioned.

                                   GANSK
                         Yeah, this is definitely the right
                         exit.
                         I can tell because of all of the
                         fruit that I can smell around here.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         I noticed that fruit scent.  What's
                         that from?

                                   GANSK
                         It's from all of the fruit that
                         they manufacture out here.  Makes
                         the whole town smell like fruit.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         I understand now.  Please excuse me
                         while I unlace my shoes and remove
                         my socks.  I want to hang my socks
                         out of the car window so they can
                         absorb some of that fruit scent.
                         It would be a big improvement in
                         the olfactory state of my socks.

                                   GANSK
                         Feel free to do as you stated.

               Terrycloth Hopplebottom proceeds to take off his shoes and
               socks, just as he said, and puts the socks out the window.
               The wind rushing into the socks brings with it the scent of
               strawberries and mango, for that was the neighborhood they
               were in.  The socks' old sulfur smell is in trouble.

               EXT. SURFACE OF TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM'S SOCK - CONTINUOUS

               We've zoomed in close on the outside of Terrycloth's sock.
               Thousands of SULFUR AGENTS are running around on the sock's
               fibers, trying to figure out what's going on.

                                   SULFUR AGENT BOB
                         Hey, what's going on?

                                   SULFUR AGENT JOE
                         I have no idea, I've never seen
                         anything like this.

                                   SULFUR AGENT BOB
                         Do you have any vermouth left?

                                   SULFUR AGENT JOE
                         No, sorry, I drank it all last
                         night after Frank's big retirement
                         party.  Did you--

               Joe's question is cut off as a bombardment of MANGO PARTICLES
               rains down on them

                                   SULFUR AGENT JOE (CONT'D)
                         Oh my God, look at all those
                         things!

                                   SULFUR AGENT BOB
                         What's going on here?

                                   SULFUR AGENT JOE
                         I think I might have taken too much
                         LSD this morning.  Sorry for that,
                         my hallucinations usually don't
                         spread out to the rest of the world
                         like this.  I think it's because I
                         fractured my sternum, and now my
                         thoughts bazooka out like things
                         that come out of a bazooka.

                                   SULFUR AGENT BOB
                         That's ok, I forgive you.

               Unfortunately, Bob's forgiveness is short-lived, as he's soon
               squished by a large mango particle.  Joe bursts into tears
               and cries out to the heavens

                                   SULFUR AGENT JOE
                             (crying out to the
                              heavens)
                         Why God, why?

               INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

                                   GANSK
                         How are your socks doing?

               Terrycloth brings the socks back into the car, holds them up
               to his nose, and takes a deep sniff.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         I've smelled better socks, like the
                         Dockers vintage 1996 socks that
                         they had back at The Apprising
                         Schnozzle.  But still, these smell
                         pretty good.

                                   GANSK
                         Oh wow, The Apprising Schnozzle.
                         That was a fun place...

               INT. THE APPRISING SCHNOZZLE - SEVERAL YEARS AGO

               Gansk and Terrycloth Hopplebottom are standing around,
               enjoying the place and drinking some drinks.

                                   GANSK
                         This is a fun place...

               INT. CAR - DAY

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         Your reminscing reminds me of a
                         story about a guy who soaked his
                         socks in absinthe and thought he
                         was the digging character from Dig
                         Dug whenever he wore them.

                                   GANSK
                         I remember that guy, the guy with
                         the frizzy red hair?

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         That's the one.

                                   GANSK
                         Good story.

                                   TERRYCLOTH HOPPLEBOTTOM
                         Thanks.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK. 

               INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - NIGHT

               We open in a mysterious room.  What kind of room is this?
               Where are all the motivational posters that would normally be
               in a room?  Why are the walls so bare and without motivation?
               The very sight of this room introduces many questions.  The
               SABOTEUR is sitting on a chair, and COLONEL BEERANK is pacing
               back and forth behind the chair.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         So, you are the saboteur who's been
                         stealing all of our uniforms and
                         replacing them with generic
                         outfits?

                                   SABOTEUR
                         You could say that.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         And stealing all of our rubies and
                         replacing them with magnolia
                         leaves?

                                   SABOTEUR
                         What?  Rubies?  Really?  I love
                         rubies, I wish I had known you had
                         some around, I would have totally
                         stolen those.  Nobody tells me
                         anything...

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         Ah ha!  So you admit to being
                         clueless about the rubies!

                                   SABOTEUR
                         Yes, you have figured me out.  I
                         had no clue about the rubies.  I am
                         but a fraud; a sham; a little doggy
                         who doesn't deserve to be given a
                         ruby for his birthday.

               COL. BEERANK eyes the SABOTEUR suspiciously.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         I'm suspicious.

                                   SABOTEUR
                         I can see that from the way you're
                         eyeing me with your suspicious eye.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         You're very perceptive, noticing my
                         suspicion.
                         How could an observant man like you
                         be so unobservant about the ruby
                         room, and all of the rubies it
                         contains?

                                   SABOTEUR
                         What can I say, I've folded up my
                         lanyards and retired from
                         observancy.  From now on I plan on
                         just sitting in my room drinking
                         cocoa.

               INT. SABOTEUR'S ROOM - DAY

               The SABOTEUR sits on his bed, drinking cocoa.  It's a bright,
               sunny day.  His room is not at all mysterious, but instead
               rather comforting and warm.  The cocoa spills out of the
               movie screen and douses the audience, warming them and
               allowing them to magically smell the delicious cocoa scents.

                                   SABOTEUR
                         You know, this is the life.  I like
                         cocoa.

               INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - NIGHT

               Back in the mysterious room, the Saboteur is snapped out of
               his cocoa-filled hallucination by the sharp words of Col.
               Beerank.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         Hey now!

                                   SABOTEUR
                         Ouch!  You stabbed me with your
                         sharp words!  Those words are far
                         too sharp to be allowed to run
                         freely through the air.  Didn't
                         your mother ever tell you anything
                         about running with sharp words?

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         I'm very sorry.  Please accept my
                         apologies.  My words are but
                         scimitars belonging to the Earl of
                         Rubyville, and are not meant to be
                         released among ordinary citizens.

                                   SABOTEUR
                         Your apology is accepted, on the
                         condition that you give me a tall
                         glass of magnesium powder to quench
                         my endless thirst for magnesium.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         Your wish is granted.  Do you
                         promise to end your endless
                         sabotage?

                                   SABOTEUR
                         Endless sabotage can never be
                         ended, but it can be softened.  I
                         promise to transform myself to the
                         Silkiest Saboteur the world has
                         ever seen.  Would that be to your
                         liking?

                                   COL. BEERANK
                         Why certainly, a silky saboteur
                         sounds perfectly soft and relaxing.

               Col. Beerank summons a glass of magnesium powder out of thin
               air, as is his habit, and gives it to the Silkiest Saboteur,
               who drinks it thirstily.

                                   SABOTEUR
                         This feels like the beginning of a
                         beautiful, silky, and saboteuriffic
                         friendship.

                                   COL. BEERANK
                             (pointing)
                         I'm going to build a fishpond right
                         over there.  Please don't sabotage
                         it at all.

               The Silkiest Saboteur smiles.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK. 

               EXT. BOLIVIAN JUNGLE - DAY?

               ZELAZO and ZINDA hack their way through the dense jungle,
               some place in Bolivia.  It's probably daytime, but the
               denseness of the trees and other jungle substances make it
               impossible to tell for sure.

                                   ZELAZO
                         I rue the day that you and your
                         brain and its brainpan talked me
                         into coming to Bolivia.  My nitride
                         levels must have been extremely
                         deficient that morning.

                                   ZINDA
                         Don't be verbally erupting over my
                         brainpan, you jerk.  That kind of
                         fake edginess makes you sound like
                         a zombie geisha, not a rainforest
                         explorer who would kill a bird for
                         little more than improper bleating.

                                   ZELAZO
                         I don't even care any more.  My
                         lack of decorum is entirely due to
                         my frayed sanity after being here
                         for all these many years.

                                   ZINDA
                         It's only been two hours!

                                   ZELAZO
                         Your unnecessary lies are like a
                         bulldozer running over my heart.
                         They slash through my brain like a
                         butter knife through a brain.  Stop
                         your lying, this isn't Arkansas
                         anymore.

                                   ZINDA
                         I do not lie, even to an
                         undependable towel of a man like
                         you.  It's only been two hours.

               Zelazo doesn't reply, and instead just keeps hacking through
               the brush and rainforest creatures that are in his way.

               INT. AIRPLANE, FLIGHT 447 - NIGHT

               Zelazo and Zinda are flying back home.  Most of the rest of
               the passengers are sleeping for the long flight, but Zinda
               and Zelazo are still awake.

                                   ZELAZO
                         I'm so glad that we finally got
                         rescued.  Though my shoes are
                         tarnished and shall never be used
                         for golf again.

                                   ZINDA
                         Rescued?  We had tickets for this
                         flight.  We knew we were going to
                         the airport tonight all along.  Who
                         put larvae in YOUR yams?

                                   ZELAZO
                         My yams are just fine, no thanks to
                         you.  I'll be having nightmares and
                         screaming through my sleep for the
                         next 15 years because of this.  And
                         did I mention my shoes?

                                   ZINDA
                         Your shoes will be fine with some
                         water, that dirt will wash right
                         off.

                                   ZELAZO
                             (angrily)
                         They've been defiled and will never
                         be golf-worthy again!  Why do you
                         tango so rudely with my emotions!?

               Zinda immediately falls asleep, leaving Zelazo to wander the
               aisles of the plane for the next few hours.  What is he
               looking for?  His sanity?  A midget hiding in the luggage
               compartments?  Only the sequel will reveal that.

               EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY

               FRITTER and PEFTINOTOP are sitting on their front porch,
               sipping beers and looking off into the distance.  It's a
               ratty, run-down porch, but that's ok because Fritter and
               Peftinotop are ratty and run-down human beings.

                                   FRITTER
                         Hey, you see that dog over there in
                         the middle of the sidewalk?

                                   PEFTINOTOP
                         Yeah, I think that's a dog I'm
                         looking at.  Over there, kinda?

                                   FRITTER
                         Yeah, that's the one.  Do you think
                         that dog is President Taft
                         reincarnated as a dog, or do you
                         think he's just, you know, a
                         regular dog?

                                   PEFTINOTOP
                         Gotta be just a dog.  If it was
                         President Taft, wouldn't he be over
                         in Washington, DC where the
                         president would be?

                                   FRITTER
                         No, 'cause he's not the president
                         any more, now he's a dog.

                                   PEFTINOTOP
                         Yeah, I still think he'd want to be
                         sitting in the sidewalk in
                         Washington instead of out here,
                         wherever the hell it is that we
                         are.

                                   FRITTER
                         I guess, maybe, but I've never been
                         good at politics.  I guess dogs
                         know what they're doing with, you
                         know... politics.

                                   PEFTINOTOP
                         Especially if it's a dog that used
                         to be President Taft.  He'd know
                         what city he should be spending his
                         time in, what with being a former
                         president and all that.

                                   FRITTER
                         You sure know your dogs and
                         presidents, Peftinotop.

                                   PEFTINOTOP
                         Damn straight.

               As they sat on their porch and watched, the dog eventually
               wandered off down the sidewalk.  Was it looking for a bone,
               or for some important piece of legislation that it had
               misplaced?  We aren't sure yet.

               INT. JOHNSON FAMILY LIVING ROOM - DAY

               Little BILLY is sitting at his desk with an empty sheet of
               paper in front of him.  BILLY'S MOTHER steps into his doorway
               and watches him not writing anything on the paper.

                                   BILLY'S MOTHER
                         Aren't you supposed to be writing
                         your school report on President
                         Taft?

                                   BILLY
                         I am, but I just don't know what to
                         say about him.  What did he do?
                         It's not like he invaded Iraq or
                         invaded Alaska or invaded any kind
                         of cool place at all!

                                   BILLY'S MOTHER
                         Now Billy, you know I can't tell
                         you what to write about.  That's
                         your job to find out.  You'll just
                         have to figure it out on your own.

                                   BILLY
                         Gee whiz, mom...

               Billy's Mom walks off down the hall, and Billy continues to
               stare out the window, still knowing nothing about President
               Taft.

               Just then a dog walks past his window.  Billy's eyes go wide,
               and he immediately starts scribbling furiously on his paper,
               looking up once in a while just to grab a quick glance at the
               dog outside the window.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               It's several days later.  MRS. APLIBBTON, Billy's teacher, is
               standing at the front of the classroom, while Billy and his
               classmates slowly make their way through the door and sit
               down.  There's a picture of a pineapple on one of the walls,
               but aside from that the classroom walls are completely bare.

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         Ok, come on, hurry up.  Everyone
                         get seated, I have some important
                         news for you all.

               The students don't seem to hurry, but they do eventually all
               reach their seats.

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         This is the most exciting thing
                         that's ever happened to our school.
                         One of you has written the absolute
                         best paper I've ever read in my
                         entire teaching career.  Do you all
                         remember the report on President
                         Taft that I had you write last
                         week?  Most of them were the usual
                         batch of garbage, but one of
                         them...  well, I'm a little
                         speechless.  It was really
                         something special, truly a great
                         work of art.  Susan, would you
                         stand up, please?

               SUSAN, a student sitting in front of Billy, stands up.

                                   SUSAN
                         Yes?

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         Susan, your paper was absolutely
                         brilliant.  I let several other
                         people read it, and every single
                         one of them has gotten a deeper and
                         richer understanding of President
                         Taft after reading it.  You can
                         skip your homework assignments for
                         the rest of the year, you've earned
                         it.

               Billy raises his hand.

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         Yes, Billy?

                                   BILLY
                         Didn't you like my paper?

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         Your paper on President Taft?

                                   BILLY
                         Yeah, I thought it was something
                         special also.

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         I was going to speak with you about
                         that in private, but since you
                         brought it up now...  no.  I really
                         had no idea what you were writing.
                         It seemed like the rantings of a
                         crazy person, and I'll be meeting
                         with your parents this evening.  It
                         was something about a dog, and a
                         window, and President Taft's soul,
                         and the Civil War...  No mentions
                         of pineapples whatsoever.  It was
                         really the most pointless thing
                         you've ever written, and that's
                         saying something.

                                   BILLY
                         Oh, right, the pineapples.  I knew
                         I was forgetting something.

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         Topical references to pineapples
                         wouldn't have saved that paper,
                         Billy.

                                   SUSAN
                         Can I go home and play?

                                   MRS. APLIBBTON
                         Of course, Susan.  Go ahead.

               Susan leaves.

               Outside, ominously, a DOG watches through the window.

               EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

                                   DOG
                             (to himself)
                         Yes...  Everything is coming along
                         perfectly...

               The dog chuckles an evil little chuckle and then walks off
               down the road.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

                                                               FADE IN:

               EXT. SAVE-MART PARKING LOT - DAY

               Yes, it's good old Save-MART.  It has the big SAVE-MART
               sign on the front, and those famous doors, also on the front,
               but underneath where the sign is.  There are four doors,
               organized from left to right in the front wall of the Save
               MART building.  The doors allow people to both enter and exit
               the Save-MART building.  While there are other entrances and
               exits in the rear of the building, they cannot be seen, and
               therefore won't be described.  The doors are mostly glass,
               and a transparent type of glass at that.  You can see right
               through them, into the store itself.  But it's kind of dark
               in there, and we're far enough away, that there aren't many
               things to see in there.  Good thing, because these
               descriptions are getting pretty stupid.

               In front of the building are parking spaces, since it is a
               parking lot for Save-MART.  Most of the parking spaces have
               cars parked in them, but there are a few spaces that do not.
               Of the spaces without cars, approximately half of them could
               accommodate a car.  The other half are bottomless pits, and
               any car that was driven onto it would plummet to an uncertain
               death.

               This is soon demonstrated as a BRIGHT GREEN SUV drives into a
               parking space without paying attention.  It falls out of
               sight.

               GENE, the 102 year old assistant manager, walks out of Save
               MART just in time to see the SUV disappear.  He's dressed in
               his Save-MART uniform.

               He glances down the parking space pit as he walks past, but
               doesn't slow down.

                                   GENE
                             (towards the bottomless
                              pit)
                         You really need to watch where you
                         park...  Don't ya think?

               He continues on to his car, a BRIGHT GREEN SUV, and gets in,
               mumbling to himself about parking spaces and SUV drivers.

                                   GENE
                         Anyone here have my car keys?

               Nobody says anything for a while, until--

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         Hey, yeah, I think I got 'em.

               Gene's thumb checks his pockets, and, with a complete lack of
               surprise, finds Gene's keys there.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         What you know, car keys in my
                         pocket.  Hello car keys, please to
                         be used for driving now.

                                   GENE
                         Yeah, that's good with the car
                         keys.  I take and drive and use
                         them for their driving use.  We'll
                         make sure they do their thing, you
                         know?  The thing with the driving.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         I know.  The thing.  Good times.

               Gene puts the keys in the ignition and turns.  In the
               background we see the Save-MART building deflate, but Gene
               doesn't notice.  Other people in the parking lot do notice,
               and begin to be a little panicked.  Nothing happens in the
               car.

                                   GENE
                         Well that's some weird stuff right
                         here.  The keys that do the driving
                         aren't doing their thing.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         Yeah.  I saw.  Good times.

                                   GENE
                         These aren't no good times, thumb!

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         Oh yeah, good times.  I know what
                         you mean.

                                   GENE
                         Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
                         That's what I'm talking about, you
                         know?

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         The good times with the car keys.
                             (beat)
                         Why aren't we driving now?

                                   GENE
                         I don't think I did the keys right.
                         They should make the driving
                         happen, but we're doing less of the
                         driving than you'd think.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         Well get to it!  Yeah.  Good times.

               Gene tries turning the ignition again.  This time the clouds
               instantly become dense grey thunderclouds.  The other people
               in the parking lot that had gone to investigate the deflated
               Save-MART now start running in panic to their cars to get
               away.  A few fall into parking spaces.

               Still nothing happens to Gene's car.

                                   GENE
                         Man!

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         Man!  That's some bad keying.

                                   GENE
                         I think I'm out of practice.  I
                         need another one of them car key
                         classes, I think.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         Let's go take some of those!

                                   GENE
                         Yeah, we go now do that take
                         classes we do.

               Gene tries to drive off to his car key class, but the car
               still hasn't started and he's not going anywhere.  Still a
               lot of panic outside his car.

               A few seconds pass.

                                   GENE
                         This is great, driving.  Nothing
                         beats driving in my car with my
                         keys.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         I don't know if you're doing it
                         right.

                                   GENE
                         No, I'm the best driver.  I know
                         how to drive.
                         Don't call me a carrot!  Look, see,
                         not hitting anyone.

               Just then a panicking person runs straight into the front of
               Gene's car and lands on the windshield.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         I think you hit someone.

                                   GENE
                         That's a bird, that doesn't count.
                             (louder)
                         Go away bird!  I'm driving here!
                         Get back into the sky where you
                         should be, bird!  Birds are sky
                         things!

               Gene tries turning on the windshield wipers, but they don't
               do anything with the car turned off.

                                   GENE
                         Crazy birds!

               Gene gets his magic pointy stick that can go through glass
               and sticks it through the windshield, poking the person on
               his windshield with it.  The person gradually floats away
               from the force of the poking.

                                   GENE
                         There we go, that's a bird that
                         knows where he belongs.  Upstairs
                         somewhere.

                                   GENE'S THUMB
                         You know your birds, man.  Good
                         driving!

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

                FADE IN:

               EXT. SOMEWHERE IN NEBRASKA - DAY

               Who knows exactly where we are, but it's definitely somewhere
               in Nebraska.  The easiest way to tell this is because of a
               SIGN on the side of the road that reads, "YOU ARE IN ______".
               Someone has kindly written "NEBRASKA" on the blank line.

               The sides of the road should have whatever Nebraska would
               have on the sides of the road (who knows what crazy stuff
               goes on there) to make this look authentic.  Maybe some
               statues of famous Nebraskans, like Joe, or Fred, or someone
               like that?

               Anyway, it's definitely Nebraska, there's stuff on the side
               of the road, and nothing's happening.

                                                               FADE TO:

               EXT. SOMEWHERE IN NEBRASKA - NIGHT

               We're in the same place as before, only it's now nighttime.
               It's still definitely Nebraskan.  We begin to see a CAR
               appear off in the distance, although at first all we can see
               are headlights.  The camera holds steady for about eleven
               minutes as the car continues to approach.  Finally it passes
               us.

               INT. CAR - NIGHT

               RODRICK is driving.  GUNTER is in the passenger's seat.  "Why
               Are We In Nebraska" by The Nebraskan Signs is playing on the
               radio.

                                   GUNTER
                             (pointing out his window)
                         Hey, wasn't that it?

               Rodrick looks over, straining to make anything out in the
               dark.

                                   RODRICK
                         I don't think so.  Wasn't it
                         supposed to be a few miles after
                         the last You Are In Nebraska sign?

                                   GUNTER
                         I don't know, I wasn't paying
                         attention either.
                         I gave up on these crazy Nebraskan
                         accents after the first few
                         minutes.  It's like a North Dakotan
                         accent mixed with a Welsh accent.
                         And maybe a little bit of South
                         Korean thrown in just to keep
                         things interesting.

               Rodrick nods, not really listening.  Would you listen to
               stuff like that?  I didn't think so.

                                   GUNTER (CONT'D)
                         So I tried to tell them that if
                         they could just talk with a little
                         less of a South Korean kinda
                         accent, and maybe a little more
                         northern France, they'd be ten
                         times as interesting and fifteen
                         times as easy to understand.
                         That's when they gave me that
                         potato.

               Gunter looks into the back seat to check on the POTATO.  It's
               safely buckled into the CHILD SEAT, and appears to be
               sleeping.

                                   GUNTER (CONT'D)
                         Aren't potatoes supposed to be an
                         Idaho thing anyway?  Why's Nebraska
                         trying to get all up in Idaho's
                         business?  That's just not right.

               EXT. SOMEWHERE IN NEBRASKA - CONTINUOUS

               Their car drives off down the road.  Camera PANS over to the
               side of the road, where a small patch of POTATOES is creepily
               watching the car disappear off into the distance.  They don't
               say anything, and we can only guess what they're thinking.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

               FADE IN:

               EXT. NEBRASKA MOTEL - EARLY MORNING

               We can tell that this is the Nebraska Motel because of the
               large Nebraska Motel sign out front.  We're probably still in
               Nebraska because of the way the motel is named after the
               state.  It wouldn't make much sense to put a Nebraska Motel
               over in Montana, would it?  I don't know, there are some
               weird states out there where they do some weird things.
               Maybe we shouldn't linger on this shot too long so that the
               audience doesn't start to wonder about these things
               themselves.  Let's just have it up long enough for them to
               assume that the motel is in Nebraska, and not so long that
               they start to wonder about where else it might be.

               INT. MOTEL HALLWAY

               The muffled sounds of "Why Are We In Nebraska" by The
               Nebraskan Signs (this better be a good song, we're playing it
               a lot) can be heard.

               A NEBRASKAN COUPLE is walking down the hallway.  We know
               they're from Nebraska because they have shirts that say they
               are.  They also look like they would talk with a North
               Dakotan/Welsh/South Korean accent.

               The couple is bopping their head to their state-mandated
               favorite song, "Why Are We In Nebraska" by The Nebraskan
               Signs, which they can hear through the walls from room 217.

               INT. ROOM 217, NEBRASKA MOTEL - EARLY MORNING

               The song is blasting now that we're in Rodrick's room.
               Rodrick's ears are bleeding a little bit because of the sheer
               volume of the song.  He's sitting on the edge of the bed,
               peeling a potato.

                                   RODRICK
                             (turning to someone off
                              screen)
                         Yeah, so, you like this song?
                         Yeah, I can't stand it, but I don't
                         think we have a choice as long as
                         we're here in Nebraska -- we just
                         have to keep playing it, over and
                         over and over again.

               Rodrick looks at the stereo hatefully, and then back to his
               potato peeling.

                                   RODRICK
                         So, do you know where we're
                         supposed to be going?

               No answer.

               Rodrick turns around.

               ANGLE ON - OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM

               Behind Rodrick we can now see who he's talking to.  It's a
               giant pile of potatoes that are taking up a good third of his
               motel room.

                                   RODRICK
                         Come on, there has to be one of you
                         that has some clue where we're
                         headed.  Or what, you want me to
                         believe you're all from Idaho and
                         don't know your way around?  Yeah,
                         right...

               The potatoes maintain their heroic but dangerous silence.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

               TITLES: What happens next?

               TITLES: Be sure to catch the next exciting episode!

More of the movie script if you click on the “read the rest” linky kinda thing, as usual.

                                                                FADE IN:

               EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

               Everyone is in the backyard.  Literally, everyone.  If you're
               looking for someone, you'll find them here in the backyard.

                                   GODFATHER
                             (looking around)
                         Has anyone seen Satan?

                                   FLUFFY CAT
                         I think he was over by the dessert
                         table.

                                   GODFATHER
                         Thanks, I'll try over there.

                                   FLUFFY CAT
                         I'll come too, I could use another
                         (meow) slice of cake.  Did you know
                         I'm a cat?

                                   GODFATHER
                         I thought you might be, yeah...

               They both walk through the crowd (and it's quite a big crowd,
               since (as previously mentioned) everyone is there).
               Eventually they make it to the dessert table.  SATAN is there
               having a cup of punch and suspiciously eying the devil's food
               cake.

                                   FLUFFY CAT
                         Hey, Satan!  Whassup?

                                   SATAN
                         Nothing.  I wasn't doing anything.
                         Just standing here.  What's wrong
                         with standing here?

                                   GODFATHER
                         Hey, did you get my e-mail?

                                   SATAN
                         The one about the rabbi and the
                         priest that walked into a bar?

                                   GODFATHER
                         No no no, the other one.  About the
                         goat who was offering us a big
                         percentage of 72 million dollars
                         for helping him get some money out
                         of his barn.

                                   SATAN
                         Oh yeah, I was going to reply to
                         that one, but then the rabbi and
                         priest one gone my attention.

                                   FLUFFY CAT
                         Goat!  Meow.

                                   GODFATHER
                         Quiet, you.

               The Godfather and Satan both put the tray of cookies into a
               blender and dump the blended cookies on the fluffy cat.

                                   FLUFFY CAT
                         I like cookies.