Avoid adopting new pets this week. The stars will cause you to be unusually attracted to animals that are possessed by Satan (or possessed by one of Satan’s pets, for animals that are too insignificant to warrant the attentions of Satan himself.)

If your allegiance to the Dark Lord is not strong enough to withstand the tests that a Satanic pet will bring to your house, you should wait until next week to adopt that puppy or kitten that you’ve been wanting.

It is safe to buy pet food, though. Feel free to stock up on food and toys as well. Obviously, no scratching posts, though. For God’s sake, whatever you do, no scratching posts!

If you ever need a dunfull of sugar, don’t try to get it from Joe’s Sugar Mart on 34th Street. Wow. Talk about someone who’s crazy obsessive with their sugar stockpiles.

It’ll be best for everyone if you just stay home, read a book, and pretend that sugar doesn’t exist. It’s just a figment of someone’s deranged imagination. It doesn’t even make sense as a concept. Just don’t think about it.

“Don’t rock the crosstown river,” they all said. I think they meant that I shouldn’t knock the river.

“Do you mean that I shouldn’t knock the crosstown river?”

“Don’t tell us what we mean. Don’t do anything with the crosstown river. It hates being rocked. It’ll sue you for sure.”

I thought that they probably had a point there. While all rivers are highly litigious, rumors pointed to the crosstown river as a river that was just “more.” More everything that rivers tend to be. More wet and watery. More filled with frogs.

And so probably more lawsuity also.

“Maybe I’ll just go around the river and try not to have anything to do with it.”

“Oh no!” they all said. “You don’t want it to think that you’re avoiding it. It’ll get mad if it thinks you don’t like it.”

And that’s the story of how I came to buy the crosstown river a traffic cone for its birthday. Don’t worry, no rocking cones here.

Green and yellow and light yellow and blue
These are the colors of my vegetable stew
If it turns white I know what to do
I’ll have to re-dye my vegetable stew

Capricorn: Your days of a gravity-free life are coming to a close. Venus and Mars will be approaching the cusp of Lenny’s house, and your personal gravitational field will increase by 5 or 6 orders of magnitude when that happens.

Expect a full gravitational force to take effect within the next two weeks. Sorry for the bad news, but horoscopes can’t be all rainbows and unicorns seven days a week, can we?

This Friday. In the cafeteria. With the lead pipe. Your sandals will rise up against their unfair oppressors and demand equality.

You might want to consider wearing boots for most of the week.

Your dreams will not come true. That’s because your dreams are sick and twisted. What’s wrong with you? Those poor innocent bookcases don’t deserve being dreamed about like that. Get your mind out of the butter and maybe then we’ll consider granting some of your wishes.

You know what they call you in Wishland? Buttermind. Yeah, you heard it. That’s exactly what I meant to say. Now cut it out.

You! You with the fake driver’s license, who tried to sneak in just now. Back of the line with you.

No, on second thought, go to that other line over there. What’s it for? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

No, on second thought, I’ll tell you right now. It’s for counting skylights. Why would you want to count skylights? Well, you’ll just have to try it and find out.

No, on second thought, don’t bother counting. People who horde forged documents the way you horde forged documents aren’t going to be able to tell a skylight from a hole in the ceiling with a piece of glass in it. You’re getting sent to Florida for some good old baked bean surprise.

What’s the surprise? I think it’s a bean thing, but I’ve never been there, so don’t be asking me your crazy questions involving beans.

Q: Describe, in 788 words or less, what you would say if you saw a flock of dictionarybats.

A: If you look out the left side of the cabin, you may be able to spot a great flock of dictionarybats. You should stay very still so as not to disturb them; they are known to swarm and swathom at the slightest provocation.

Those of you carrying peanuts should hide them from the dictionarybats at this time. As agreed to by your pre-flight waivor, Great Flock Tours, Inc. cannot be held responsible for damage to your personal property or personal person by us or any swarmy flying things. At this point I must point out that flocks of dictionarybats are classified as swarmy flyings, and therefore those peanuts should be well-hidden.

Those of you who are continuing on to Kosovo may wish to capture an infant d-bat at this time. The dictionarybats’ young can be exchanged for cigarettes and Sean Lennon tapes on the Kosovo black market.

If you have any questions or would like to purchase a transcript of this announcement, please contact your stewardess.

Tonight, while you sleep, your overdue library books will rise up and mutiny against you. They will rule the house for the forseeable future. You might want to stock up on supplies and first aid and book burning tools while you can.