At the cafeteria yesterday, someone handed me a big plate of shouting. That confused me for a few seconds, until I remembered that it was Hand Someone a Plate Day.

I gotta say, these crazy Days like that are really hard to keep track of. They make me wish for a Keep Track of Crazy Days Day where you’d get seminars on what days were coming up. You have the obvious ones, of course, like today’s Be British Day, but the smaller, less well-known Days are the ones that we need a tiny bit of remindering about.

I mean, next Friday. What’s that? I have no idea. I probably won’t remember until it becomes next Friday and the Friday Day invades my morning. Unless it’s one of those evening Days, those really mess me up something fierce.

Please reconsider your days, people. Or remind me better. Or get rid of days altogether. Can’t we just go by months? For one thing, no one would ever need anything done by tomorrow. It would have to be next month at the earliest, since eliminating days would mean that tomorrow doesn’t exist. Life would be slower and more relaxed and less packed with days.

Please work on that proposal. Thank you.

Your honeymoon will be rudely interrupted by ninjas. Don’t look them in the eye, just hand over the ruby scorpion and they’ll leave you alone.

Obviously, you better find that ruby scorpion before the wedding. Better take ninja repellent, because there’s a ninja infestation in Wyoming this time of year. It’s ninja season.

Come on a rafting trip with the rest of the gang, where we’ll explore the roots of headlamp salesmen and the groupies that adore them.

What turns someone into a headlamp salesman? Is it the fame? The money? The endless hours of headlamp research and paperwork? The truth is that HL salesmen can’t be summed up that easily. It’s a combination of those things and many others that drives today’s headlamp salesman, but you’ll find out all this (and more) on our educational rafting trip/lecture series.

These and many other questions will be answered. For example, what makes them tick? Is it a spring-loaded mechanism, or some kind of electronic ticker?

Do headlamp salesmen like roast beef sandwiches? If so, why?

How many headlamp salesmen can dance on the head of a pin? How many would it be if they included their lamp-filled sample suitcases? What about if it was a giant pin but badly illuminated?

Yes, all these questions will be answered. (Not a guarantee. Some questions will remain unanswered.) Join us today!

It’s a movie script, Gene’s Car Keys
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Introducing the Personal Arctic Blast (PAB) 5000! Never be too warm again!

Have you ever been somewhere and found that you’re just too warm? Maybe even too hot? Well, those days are over, thanks to space age technology that’s been approved by the Space Age Air Conditioning Technology Approval Consortium (SAACTAC).

The PAB 5000 is a convenient, portable air conditioning and cooling system that you can carry with you at all times. It even features an optional rechargable battery pack!

Please read this list of features that you might find on a Personal Arctic Blast 5000, and understand them well, sir:

• Weighs only 70 pounds!
• Optional rechargable battery pack only adds 25 pounds of weight!
• PAB 5000 is small and portable, measuring 2 feet by 1 foot by 1 foot.
• Runs on standard 110V AC power.
• Optional battery pack provides 5 uninterrupted minutes of cooling power.
• Cooling strength rated at 8 coolerometers.
• Environmentally friendly! (“Environmentally friendly” description is only applicable when unit is not turned on. Turning unit on is not recommended, and may be illegal in most countries. Seller assumes no responsibility for any laws that may be broken due to use of the PAB 5000)
• Fashionable! Shiny steel case looks great with any outfit.
• Optional thermal compound available (only $29.95!). Spread the thermal compound all over your body, and attach one or more PAB 5000s directly to yourself. This will allow for better heat transfer and better cooling. (Note: Thermal compound may be hazardous. Do not eat. If PAB 5000 compound comes in contact with human skin, call our support number as soon as possible.)
• Free shipping is available for $45 to most states. Offer not valid in AK, IL, MO, NV, WY. An additional handling fee of $400 applies to most orders. Please see fine print for details. Fine print is available by sending a check or money order for $29.95.

Quantities are limited. Order now!

Wake up!
Wake up and see the water bed!

Your bed is under
A waterfall.

How did that happen?
Elves.
Waterfall elves.

Elving their way
Into your bedroom
Taking your bed
Forwhilst you slept.

And putting it
Under a waterfall.

Neat, isn’t it?
Waterfall Elves.

They’re cuddly, also.
Cuddly waterfall elves.

I’m building a fence
Around my bed
Because I’m scared of
Waterfalls.

Somewhere in Nebraska, the movie script:

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If I were a young person, I must transport a device at all times. In a taxi with somebody (you never know who) I’d have to narrowly place the wooden pylon on Mr. Vamun’s head. Otherwise it could be shifted to someone else’s taxi. Or even a bus or something like that. Those pesky pylons do some pesky things.

If your pylon has mints inside of it, then at least you don’t have to doubt the mints. The mints will balance themselves within the pylon, and all of Mr. Vanum’s head twisting won’t dislodge it. Even if he is transported to the ends of the earth, as so often happens in cases like this.

Now, if you want to get your pylon back, and he’s at one end of the earth or another, you might have some difficulty. What can I say, these are the kinds of problems that those of us in the Pylon Placement Industry (PPI) have to deal with on a bi-weekly basis. I’m a little tempted to offer some tips at getting everything back, but I’d be worried about losing our competitive advantage if I did that.

You’ll just have to figure some of these things out for yourself.

If you’re awake late enough, and the moon is full enough, and the sky is clear enough, you just might be able to catch a glimpse of the rare Great Poker Chip descending to the Earth to spread its wisdom.

Many have tried, but few have seen the Great Poker Chip. If you want to try to be one of the select few who has done it, let me offer up a few bits of advice: Stay hidden, keep your sunglasses on, and never let it see you. Keeping a deep-fried onion in your pocket can’t hurt either.

Cameras and unauthorized recording devices are prohibited at all times in the presence of the GPC. Disobey these commandments at your peril.

The Backyard Party movie script. I think it has that special something that makes a great movie, if you ask me. I guess that’s why people don’t ask me. They don’t ask me anything about anything, really.

More of the movie script if you click on the “read the rest” linky kinda thing, as usual.

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