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No? Get with it! Feel it! Now!

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Am I the only one that’s ever wished for a helper cat while grocery shopping?

Why can’t they just provide a big pen filled with cats and kittens near the entrances. You walk in, you have your shopping carts, baskets, and helper cats.

Maybe charge 50 cents to use one of them for a shopping trip to help pay for their food and kitty maintenance. It would be well worth it. You guys would wander through the aisles. You go to pick up a gallon of millk, and have the cat grab a pack of bacon while you do that. You’d at least come close to chopping the shopping time in half.

And then you’ve got your own store expert there with you, in the shape of a cat. You don’t need to hunt around to figure out where they keep the bags of charcoal, since the cat knows. He can dash off (weaving between and under crowds of shopping carts), grab that bag of charcoal without having to waste time wondering where it is. He runs back with the charcoal, and you’ve saved yourself a good five minutes there.

To be honest, I have no idea why stores aren’t doing this already. But at this point I’m going to go ahead and patent this. The patent office will give a patent to pretty much anything these days. Even though this isn’t an invention, and shouldn’t be patentable, I’m sure it will work out.

If you run a store and are interested in setting up a cat shopper program, send me money and I’ll let you.

I rode on the goat
He took me to the market
Since I needed milk

Then he took me back
To my milk storage building
Where I locked it up

But not before I
Used just a bit to have a
Bowl of cereal

Thank you, Mr. Goat
My cereal thanks you too
Since I’m eating it

Do you believe in Thursdays. You should. The Thursdaycat wants you to believe in them. If you don’t believe in Thursdays, how can you believe in Thursdaycat? That’s the kind of thing he’ll say if you try to argue against Thursdays.

That’s fine. Just be careful. If you keep arguing, he might attack with his Thursdayclaws and Thursdayteeth. Bad attacking times ahead. Stay clear. Yield. No turn on red. No parking after 9:00 am. Etc.

I need lights on my arms. Small little lights that will light up things that I put my arms near. Doesn’t it always seem to happen that you are around something that’s too dark, but you are able to put your arms near it?

Yeah, I know, I know. Sometimes you just wouldn’t be able to get your arms there anyway. Or sometimes you’re somewhere and everything is far too bright, and the last thing you want is more bright-making equipment being used nearby.

But do some counting. Some dark/arm math. It has to be something like 93% to 94% of the time that the dark-arm situation described back in paragraph one (above) holds true. And in all those cases, small flashlights embedded into your arms would be a miracle cure to the excessive darkness. It would be like a light buld and an arm, all rolled up into one convenient device.

I’ll start taking orders for the Armlight Implanter 2000 now. That will give me the funding needed to invent the thing. Then I’ll send them to you. You can report back on how they work. Can you still move your arm after the procedure? Do you get electrocuted every time you try to wave to someone? Is the light implanted in the wrong direction, and it lights up your arm innards rather than the dark something-or-other that you were trying to enlighten?

These are the kinds of problems that I want to know about. Your money and product testing will let me perfect the Armlight Implanter 2500 — the next generation. Turns out the AI2000 had all kinds of problems. The AI2500 is where it’s at.

“Oh, I thought you lived behind door number one.”

“I do, but it doesn’t open. My door usage has to be through door number three.”

“But you just came out of door number two.”

“Yeah, that’s more convenient for when people come to visit. You can’t see door number three unless you already know where it is. First you have to learn how to see door number three.”

“Oh, yeah, I don’t see that anywhere.”

“That’s why door number two is currently in use for arrivals and departures. Use the VICTOR approach to door number two, unless you happen to know where door number three is.”

“Good to know. Do you want a pizza?”

“Pizza? I don’t think a pizza could fit through door number two. Is this a regulation-sized pizza?”

“Yes, regulation-ish.”

“Let me try door number four. Do you think it’ll fit through that one?”

“I think we might need to split it in half. Put half through door number 2, and the other half through door number four. If we do both halves at the exact same time, they should fuse together on the other side into one whole pizza.”

“I’m willing to try it if you are. I’m not going to wind up with tomato sauce on my hinges, am I?”

“No. No no no no no. Of course not. Don’t be silly.”

“Ok, let’s do it. Pizza transport go now!”

What happens next? No one knows. No one survived to tell us. Let that be a lesson to all of you: pizza is not to be messed with.

As the low pressure system sweeps in, and the temperatures cool off to something approaching bearable, the dust bunnies come out in full force. This year they have a complete dust bunny army. They don’t have any tanks or anything, but they have the uniforms, and they sure march like they’re a real army and know what they’re doing.

I know lots of people like to line the streets when the weather does this weather thing that it does and watch the dust bunnies roll into town. This year we are advising people not to do this. Because of the size of the army and the number of weapons the dust bunnies will be marching with, we don’t want to take any chances. We don’t have a dust bunny ambassador yet, and have no idea if they are peaceful or not. The fact that they formed an army worries us, and seems to indicate that their intentions may be partially hostile.

At this time we recommend keeping a safe distance from any dust bunny soldiers and treating them as if they are potentially dangerous. Do not throw things at them or try to mop or broom them. Just stay in your homes, pull down the curtains, and hope for the best.

Some days it seems like the grocery store only has warbly muffins. I really don’t like warbly muffins. I mean, I really don’t like them.

There are many reasons. For instance, you can never tell what color they are. I always like to know what color my food is before it gets chewed up by my foodchewers.

Secondly, if you plant them in front of your window hoping for a snazzy window muffin tree, you’ll be pretty disappointed. What you’ll have growing in that pot won’t be anything you can rightfully call a “tree.” Shrubbery, possibly. Muffin bush, also a possibility. But certainly no muffin snazziness here. Not from some kind of second-rate warbly grocery store muffin.

So, to all the stores trying to pass off warbly muffins as edible and plantable, I have this to say to you: “No thank you, kind sirs. I will frequent your grocery establishment less frequently due to the implementation of your new muffin policies and procedures.”

My snake keeps wanting to out and play outside, but if it starts raining he can never make it back inside before getting soaked. So I made him a roof.

It’s a very stylished thatched roof that attaches directly to the snake and keeps him over 98% dry in even the heaviest rain. So far it’s even stood up to a decent hail storm without damage. With his cool new roof, my snake can play outside in almost any weather.

Before he’d always find a potential victim, spend the time to learn their habits, defenses, and weaknesses, only to have all that effort be wasted when he had to slither back inside. Now he can continue on for the kill without worrying about the forecast. My next project is going to have to be a trophy room addition, because he’s rapidly filling up the space he has now with mementos of all of his victims.

I’m so proud. And he just looks so cool with that roof. All his snake peers agree, and are insanely jealous. I could probably retire young and rich by going into the snake roof business, just from all the attention it’s getting. But I wouldn’t do that to my snake. He’s a unique and beautiful snowflake of a snake, and he might eat me if I mess with his uniqueness.

Currently in post-production for visual effects work, and coming soon to a theater near you, here’s the movie script for Crazy Pony and Highlighter.

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