for (i=0; i++; i<j ) {

   if (frogged(shoebox[i])) {

      unfrogged[i] = defrog(shoebox[i]);

      echo "WARNING: Had to defrog shoebox number $i";

      count++;

   }

}

echo "Done defrogging.  $count shoeboxes defrogged total.";
echo "Thank you for using our defrogging services.";

system_crash_just_for_fun();

Yellow bacon doesn’t seem natural. I know, I’ve heard all the news reports about all the extra vitamins and minerals you get from pure yellow bacon, and those yellow pigs sure are cute and edible-looking. Some days I’m barely able to resist stopped my car on the side of the road and taking a big bite out of a yellow pig right there. It all makes sense, but it still seems like there’s something not quite right about it.

Who knows, maybe in five years yellow bacon will be proven to cause insane feet or puffy pillows or something, and I’ll just be sitting over hear laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing because of my sane feet, unpuffy pillows, and rightness over the yellow bacon issue.

I guess what I’m saying is, check back in five years. We’ll see who’s all high and mighty about their food choices then. Yes we will. There’ll be a lot of seeing going on at that point, let me tell you. You.

You call yourself a nail salon? I burp at you, so-called nail salon!

Robot martian said:

Salads and syrup go together like butter and butter

I don’t know if I can completely agree with that, since butter and butter go together like two things that go together perfectly. I’m not saying salads and syrup don’t go together, of course; that would be crazy. I just don’t know if I’d go that far.

He also said:

Oklahoma is constantly rotating. To compensate, everything on the ground in Oklahoma has to constantly rotate in the opposite direction so that anything along the state’s borders doesn’t get torn in half.

This is the point where the obvious technical superiority of robot martians becomes visible. I just don’t have the kind of x-ray vision and martian computers to be able to agree or disagree with that. I’ll just have to assume that it’s true.

ERROR 804: The post you are looking for is not here, where you seem to think it should be. I don’t know who gave you that idea, but I sure hope it wasn’t me. I’d hate to think that I was somehow responsible for you blindly clicking on The Internet in places where you shouldn’t be clicking it.

If you would like to keep going, well, you’re on your own.

If you would like to turn back now, feel free, but I’m not going to tell you how to get back from here. You got here, you should be able to get yourself back. That’s just the way life works; sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

Barney Flugerstand loved to swim. But swimming through water was just too pedestrian for him. Don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t pass up the chance to swim through water if that’s all that was available. It’s just that he might sneeze at the water if something more:

a) interesting
b) challenging
c) viscous
d) colorful

was available to him.

This is not a multiple choice test. Any of those four properties would make Mr. Flugerstand breaststroke with joy to the liquid or liquid-like substance that possessed that property. Rumors have been going around that there are some other things that he looks for in a suitable swim-through-thing, but our reporters have not yet been able to uncover any details.

For now, we’ll just have to leave it at those. But, while we don’t want to give away our secrets, we can say that if there are other swim factors, our hidden spy cameras are bound to catch them eventually. Oops, I wonder if I gave away the secret right there. Good thing I didn’t write this on anything you can swim to, huh? Barney Flugerstand’s secrets will soon be mine. Mine!

Fluffy dream twitches showing up in the neighborhood. That’s unexpected, isn’t it? First the falling asleep arrives, then the fluffy dream twitches. And after they finish setting the stage, the long stretching and gold alliance-switching move in with a vengeance.

These are some of the most surprising things that you can ever experience in your lifetime. I have permanent scars in my brain (and one small scar on eyelash #18) because of these.

Forget megapixels. Forget gigapixels. We’ll skip right over terapixels and whatever else is in there. My fancy new exapixel camera is the coolest, pixeliest camera ever. A full 1.4 exapixels of resolution all on a 1mm sensor.

Sure, the noise levels are through the roof. Do cameras have roofs? Probably not. I don’t know what the noise levels go through, then, but I’d expect that it’s something at the top of the camera. Don’t let that stop you from giving me hundreds of thousands of dollars for this camera, though. I’m sure that’ll all be cleared up in a firmware updates in a few months. What, why do you find that hard to believe? Your lack of faith in my magic firmware is disturbing.

Battery life should also be improved in the near future. However, at the moment even a cheap no-name car battery can provide enough power to take four or five pictures (without flash). Load up a few of those in a small cart or wheelbarrow, and you’ll be taking up to 20 or 30 pictures in a single outing!

For your convenience, we use a powerful proprietary compression scheme to make the exapixel images manageable. Storage technology has not kept up with our resolution technology, so to make exapixel photographs practical, we were forced to come up with a compression algorithm that can store the full resolution in a file as little as 100k. Compression artifacts are virtually invisible if the image is printed at 1″ along its longest dimension. Unfortunately, these compression artifacts will be visible at larger print sizes, so at the moment we recommend printing these images at stamp-sized prints, but no larger. Once again, we are certain that compression artifacts will be reduced in a future firmware update.

Anyway, don’t worry about all those issues. Exapixel! How can you resist? Don’t resist! Just send me money! Thank you.

Wow. That’s a shiny floor! How do you get your floor so shiny?

Well?

Hello?

Can you hear me? I’m trying to ask you about your shiny floor…

Hello??? Is this thing on?

Shiny floor?

Oh, never mind…

Sure, this could be easier. But what kind of character would that build? A flat, uninteresting, soupless character, that’s what.

You need trying times. You need to have to deal with stupid, incompetent people. You should be faced with difficulty and problems at every turn. Nothing should ever go smoothly or as planned. Nobody should ever do their job correctly.

That’s the kind of thing that everyone should be facing. That will give you soupy character, filled with vegetables or chicken or noodles. An easy life where everything goes according to plan and everyone does their job competently isn’t the kind of world that you’re going to want to live in. If you could even call that “living.”

Anyway, that’s my guide to building soupy character. I took inspiration from the great tomato teachings of Prince Scong, in case you couldn’t tell. His writings on hardship and spices really opened my eyes to the true nature of mankind and its place in the recipe box. If you haven’t read his books, you really should. They will change your life. Not as much as I’ll change your life with writings such as the one you’re reading now, but he does have some changy skills of his own. On a scale from 7 to 13, I’d give him a 10. I’d be a 13, naturally.

I’m always a 13. Almost always. On a scale from 13 to 14 I’d still be a 13, but on a scale from 11 to 54, I’d probably be somewhere around 49.78. I haven’t done the math for that one yet, though, so that could be a little bit off. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t let my “49.78″ proclamation change your life, because it might change it in the wrong ways. Pleaes don’t hold me responsible if that happens.