So what you need is a way to properly deal with those unwanted gifts. I’ve taken huge gobs of time out of my busy holiday schedule to come up with the following gift disposal ideas. These should work whether you got a sweater, Wii Fit, football team, or even some other unwanted gift that I didn’t think of ahead of time.

• Find the appropriate government czar for your gift and send it to them. For example, send your football team to the national football czar. If they are returned undeliverable, then try to deliver them in person. Just leave your unwanted gift on their porch, ring their doorbell, and run. Be sure that you don’t accidentally leave a note explaining why you’re leaving them along with your name and address, because they’ll almost certainly be returned to you, possibly with a large fine and jail time.
• Burn the unwanted gift on the beach at sunset. If you don’t live near a beach, first move to the beach, and then burn the gift at sunset.
• Transubstantiate the gift into something more useful, like a reindeer, or the blood of Jesus Christ. Note that if you turn the gift into blood, you should also get some biohazard warning labels, since nobody wants to be accidentally touching untested and possibly smelly blood.
• Make the gift into ice cream. Almost anything can be made into ice cream if you churn it long enough. My family loves my world famous Old Tire Ice Cream. It takes forever to churn the rubber from an old tire into a creamy cream, but it’s so worth it when you let its deliciousness cover your tongue like methanol covering a colony of ants.
• Regift the gift to your worst enemy. The major downside to this is waiting for an appropriate time to present the new gift; you’ll most likely have to wait until your worst enemy’s birthday, or next Christmas. If the gift was a football team, that means you’ll need to manage them for up to one year, which could be disastrous for both you, the team, and the sport of football as a whole. The best way to do this is if your worst enemy is the President of the United States, in which case it is completely appropriate to give him a gift on President’s Day, which really isn’t that much after Christmas.
• Turn the gift into jam or marmalade. This should be self-explanatory.
• Lick the gift until you reach its soft, chewy center, at which point rabid raccoons or starving squirrels should finish it off. This is probably more reasonable for a nasty fruitcake than a football team, unless the football team is composed solely of ice cream cones.
• Build a highway out of the gift. This way you not only can get rid of the gift, but you can improve your country’s crumbling and neglected transportation infrastructure. If you can build the highway somewhere where there currently is no highway, then you can make traffic slightly more manageable as well! You will be hailed as a hero and a genius, and be given a special protective guard that will make sure that starving squirrels don’t eat you alive.

This should take care of all possible unwanted Christmas presents. I hope that your gratitude at being given this guide for free is so great that you will shower me with presents (or with water, that might actually make for a less painful shower, especially if your gifts are heavy and/or sharp and pointy.) In closing, I leave you with the famous words of Mar Imur, who said, “I recently conked the arctic tundra with a fire extinguisher, and the foul imitations rehardened their mesozoic fins immediately. Merry holidays and fun aphorisms and obese washdays to you all!”